Taken Its Toll

We can't expect others to know
about what our pasts did to us
but we sure do act as if they should
that's why we have trouble 
carrying on a conversation
there's a chance that what someone 
says could effect us negatively 
especially on social media
but also when we're face to face 
some of us are uncomfortable 
even meeting face to face
for the simple fact that
someone's behavior could cause 
us to lash out at them more 
aggressively than we would online
that's not what any of us want
but maybe the trauma we've 
experienced has finally taken its toll
and it's getting harder to cope
it would help if we could all try
to be more patient with one another 
as well as with ourselves 
because we can't go on like this
nor should we even want to 
if we can't grow as individuals 
we can't expect to grow together 

© 2020 

L.O.V.E. Notes: Getting There

Why do I keep reading it
knowing how your words
have made me feel in the past
why didn't I just delete it
after I read it the first time
I've still yet to respond
but I read it every single day
maybe as a way of seeing
how I'm progressing mentally
certainly I'm not trying to
trigger myself by reading it
but something was different
about the last time I read it
I felt this sense of positivity

that I wasn't ready for
I'm still not ready for it
but it gave me hope that
one day I would be 
self-care is the best care
and all I want is to be in a
better mental space
so I'll keep reading it

until I'm capable of handling 
the energy that comes with it
even if I still curl up in sadness 
at least now it's not all I feel

<3

© 2020

Final L.A.P. (Freestyle)

I thought I was finished 
only to be consumed even more 
what the hell am I fighting for 
if it's not to end this war
battling day after day
forget what happened yesterday
don't bring up the other day
I'm trying to happy today
so this is my last angry poem
I can't keep going around in circles
my final last angry poem
I can't keep running around in circles 
wasting my energy won't do 
please spare me the fake hugs
I'm not saying that it's fake love 
perhaps I need a break from love
unless we're talking about self-love
this isn't the me that I want to be
it's not the me that I want to see
when people say they remember me
it hurts thinking about who I used to be
because I loved who I used to be
now I'm reduced to a memory
this isn't how you should remember me
so this is my last angry poem
I can't keep going around in circles
my final last angry poem
I can't keep running around in circles
wasting my energy won't do
that just won't do 
wasting my energy won't do
not even for you

© 2020 

Weary

From the time I fall asleep

to when I wake up each morning

all I can think about is one thing

how do I become a better person

not just for my own self-care

but to better help everyone else
and people don't understand why
why does it matter so much 
helping people who need it
whether I know them or not 
because I believe in my purpose
and I know what it's like still
never feeling good enough 
that's why it hurts so much
when I'm unable to do more
or what I feel I'm capable of doing
I've let so many people down
that I'm in my own head constantly 
and I still wonder if a certain 
someone thinks I've abandoned her
having these thoughts every day
make it impossible to sleep in
that's if I get any sleep at all 
you can even see it on my face
although my eyes are closed
there's no rest for the weary
people still don't understand why 
but this is who I've always been
and when my time is finally up
only then will I be able to rest 

© 2020 

L.O.V.E. Notes: All Days

Today 
is the day of all days
some would say
it's the day 
you became amazing
and when I look at you
that couldn't be more true
but how does it feel for you
maybe it's not the same
and that matters
because to be your best
you have to feel better
than you did yesterday
which brings us to today
it's the day of all days
make sure to celebrate
smile until it hurts
know that you're amazing
but as amazing as you are
know that you can be more
so much more
I believe in you
but you have to believe
in yourself
not just today
tomorrow
or the day after that
but forever

<3

2020