L.O.V.E. Notes: Intenciones

Haz lo oído todo

el amor

la admiración

y también la crítica

todos tienen una opinión 

de qué es lo mejor para ti

tantas opiniones 

pero la verdad es 

que nadie sabe

y muy poca gente

toma el tiempo 

para entender

tus luchas 

por esa razón

es difícil confiar en alguien

cuando las intenciones

no están claras

pero si te preocupas por

las intenciones de los demás

perderás el enfoque

hay unos que te apoyan

y otros que te ven 

como una amenaza

eso es la realidad

sin embargo

no te importa 

porque vives tu vida

con la intención 

ser feliz    

exitosa    

y sin disculpas 

así es mejor

<3 

© 2020

The Sun Speaks

There you are

I know it's not always 

easy to see me

but every morning

I do my very best

to find you 

wherever you may be

because I need you 

more than you need me

I've been inspired

by your light 

since you were born 

even at my brightest 

my light has never been 

as bright as yours

clouds get in my way

more often than not

but no matter the obstacle

you find a way for overcome

and shine all on your own

it's been an honor

watching you shine

there's nothing like it

I help create Life

but you are Life

your light helps others

that makes you

a lightworker

I can only do so much

sharing time with the moon

the universe needs you

Love needs you

© 2020

This Too

It's not easy

not even for me

knowing that

the world needs healing

and I'm a healer

sure I help others

get in shape 

but sometimes

even I struggle 

finding the motivation

when I need it most

that's why discipline 

is so important 

positive energy

having the right mindset

these things matter

more than ever

especially right now

and so I sit here

frustrated 

somewhat unsure

but also confident

that things will get better

I'll continue to do my part

knowing that 

the world needs healing

and I'm a healer

it's not easy

not even for me

but this too shall pass

just breathe

this too shall pass

© 2020

Fiery

At first glance

she appears calm 

but don't be fooled

there's more

look deeper 

it's in her eyes

confidence

self-awareness

fearlessness 

all the ingredients

to live her life

on her own terms

in her rawest form

she said it herself

but don't be fooled

there's more

can you feel it

her energy

mindset

fighting spirit 

she's everything

you've wanted to see

in yourself

for a long time 

because like her

it's always been there

that spark

only you can ignite

she found a way

but don't be fooled

there's more

so much more 

© 2020

Straight Ahead

She remembers

of course she does

the scars made sure of that

but her focus is elsewhere

she's spent enough time

looking to her left

and looking to her right

for support from people

who were never there 

like that said they would be

and it blurred her vision a bit

so now she looks straight ahead

there's too much on the line

no time to waste

on those who waste time

she has two pairs of eyes 

watching her every move

they depend on her

more than anything in the world

as she does the best she can

to learn from past mistakes

her scars are still healing

but she's stronger than before

she cannot be finessed 

and she will not be denied 

because she remembers

that feeling of hopelessness 

never again though

she's been through too much 

to let anyone keep her

from seeing things clearly

that includes you

© 2020

 

For Granted

Time

we think we 

have enough

but we don't 

not even close

so what do we do

we take it for granted 

that's what I did

now I'm alone

watching the parade

pass by 

crying

praying it isn't real

but knowing it is

opportunities

happiness

gone 

remembering

those three words

I just can't 

hurts

but I did that

taking for granted

what mattered most

and who mattered most

so what's next

anything

is there anything left

of me

to figure that out

I need more time

time

we think we

have enough 

but we don't

not even close

© 2020

Him

He wanted to get rid of me

but his mother didn't like that

my second grandmother 

what a woman she was

she knew I would be different

than what became of him

watching his own father cheat on her

and being the head of a church 

didn't help matters any I'm sure

but he still could've been better

than what he was

I just wish I never met him

for the days I cried waiting for him

maybe that was foolish of me

not only did I learn how bad

of a father he truly was 

but also how he treated the

women in his life physically 

as well as mentally 

the life of a narcissist 

seeing that was enough to know 

I didn't want to be like him

his absence did leave a void 

but the women who raised me 

filled that void by teaching me 

how to treat others

I've done everything I can

to not be like him

we share more than a name

but we're built differently

the kid in me still cries at times

he just doesn't cry for him 

© 2020

Being Honest

It's unavoidable

at some point in time

you have to stop running

and start being honest

that mirror will be there

waiting for you 

as you can see 

I was too embarrassed

and too disappointed 

in myself to even look

but I did look eventually

stop feeling sorry for yourself

and start being honest

is what I kept thinking

so I was honest with myself

fourteen anxiety attacks a week

isn't how I want to be defined

or how I want to live my life

I don't want to think

of myself as a failure anymore

I just want to feel worthy

and the hardest truth of all

I'm not as amazing a person

as I was in the past 

once I heard myself say that

the look on my face

spoke volumes 

what a sad truth

but the truth nonetheless

one that I needed to hear

and in order to keep growing

it's unavoidable 

© 2020

L.O.V.E. Notes: 31

Maybe she thinks

I don't love her anymore

or that I don't care

that's not true at all 

even though we don't

have the same relationship

we once had 

she's still my sister 

and I love her very much

I think about everything 

that's happened 

so many emotions 

but what matters most

is that she is here today

still fighting 

figuring out her life

and what's best for her kids

those ladybugs

who I miss very much

according to her 

she kept me at a distance

in order to stay in her life

that hurt me at the time 

but I understand now

I'm still here 

maybe she thinks I'm gone 

I'm where she left me

but I'm cheering her on

screaming happy birthday

to my beautiful sister 

superwoman 

love Tico

<3

© 2020 

 

L.O.V.E. Notes: Today

Look at this picture

I could've chosen 

any picture 

but this one 

much like today 

is special 

she's special 

that's her natural glow

by the way

it's not the Sun shining 

or any photo filters

that's all her

and if it weren't for today

she never would've 

discovered it

and we never would've

gotten the chance

to experience it

color can sometimes be

distracting

even blinding

but this is different

the energy is different

it deserves to be 

appreciated

celebrated 

respected

and loved

every single day 

but this day

much like this picture 

is special

for if it weren't for today

we would never know

just how amazing 

her amazing looks

or how it feels

to be in her light

<3

© 2020

Denominator

Here we go again

another failure 

I'm so tired of fighting 

look where it's gotten me

on the losing end

hurting the ones I love

and hurting myself

so many nights I cried

praying to be normal 

whatever normal is

I had a plan 

but I always have a plan

and I never tell anyone

until I'm ready to execute it

that's always my mistake

I either say the right things

at the wrong times

or I say nothing at all

now I have so much to say

the truth is painful

maybe it's what I deserve

history tells us 

those who don't learn 

are doomed to repeat it

when you learn nothing

you lose everything

so when will I learn

because it's always me

never anyone else

I'm so tired of fighting 

beating myself up so badly

that I can barely stand

© 2020

L.O.V.E. Notes: Memory

It's been months
since I've seen her
and it hurts 
but what hurts more
is knowing that
she won't remember
who I am to her
for twenty-five years 
she raised me
took me everywhere
and showed me
what it meant to love
but it hurts to know
I'm just a memory
she no longer has
being forgotten hurts
especially when 
you're unable to forget
that's been my entire life
with the ones I love
and it makes me sad
but I'm grateful
for the memories
grateful for the time
she gave me
it was her choice
but she made it 
her responsibility
when she didn't have to
now it's my responsibility 
to hold on to the 
memories for us both

<3

© 2020

Mask of the Quiet One

I've been silent

maybe for too long
even the voices in my head 
haven't had much to say
and that's saying something
but I've been listening 
oh have I been listening 

letting the rage build 
deep inside my soul
as I internalize everything
while crying myself to sleep 
just thinking about 
how everything came to be
everyone has an opinion 
on what's going on
so everybody's talking
and very few are listening
but I've been listening
oh have I been listening
trying to make sense 
out of nonsense
is senseless in and of itself
this is not the time for silence 
nor is it time for sound 
without focus
so what does that mean
tune out the noise
control your own narrative
and let yourself be heard 
I've been silent
more so than ever before
but that ends today

© 2020

L.O.V.E Notes: Hana

She sits there 

attentive 

calm

unbothered 

that's how it 

appears 

but internally 

she struggles 

remembering 

every negative 

word said

the hate 

unwarranted 

the bullying 

undeserving 

the end result 

unnecessary

tragic 

she suffered 

in solitude 

but in public 

attentive 

calm 

unbothered

now she's gone

and that 

bothers me

</3

© 2020 

Skin Deep

Don't get the wrong idea
thinking you know what motivates me

or what I had to go through
just for the opportunity to get better
some days I didn't think I had it in me
motivation can take you very far
but not far enough without a plan
and if your plan is to only look good
you'll only look good until you don't
how do you know I'm now freaking out
or if I'd just put on makeup
to hide the fact that I've been crying
because I've had those moments
we've all had those moments
it's self-discipline that helps me
keep those moments in check
especially when I feel like

my progress isn't where it should be
self-discipline can take you very far
but not for enough without a plan
you can always find something wrong
looking in the mirror
which means it's easy to feel
discouraged not meeting expectations
are your expectations realistic
because I can't tell you how many times
I set myself up for failure
knowing that I'm not a failure
none of this works without a plan
one that holds you accountable
it won't always be a pretty picture
so sustainability is key

© 2020

Thirty 9

When I was a kid

I was never asked

what I wanted to be

no one ever took the time

to find out my interests

or teach me a skill

that I could use later in Life

no one ever read to me

or helped me to read

maybe that's why 

reading comprehension 

scores were so low

I liked basketball

abuelito taught me the basics

but I only tried to play 

so that hopefully my 

real dad cared enough

to come around 

maybe that's why 

I didn't make the team

nor did it make his team

little did that I know

I was a talented artist

with dreams of being 

a muralist like Rivera

mom wasn't a big fan though

so I got a psych degree

and a Spanish degree

with a certification

in massage therapy

maybe that's why

I never knew who to be

but I know who I am now

I'm still that same artist

just one who helps others

no matter the damage
caused by the storm

maybe that's why

I smile when I see lightning

© 2020

Anonymity

No one who ever know 
the ways I've helped others
over the course of my life
at least not from me
I'll never speak a word of it
recognition isn't something 
that I'm looking for 
and having an ego never 
helped me get very far
poems have been published 
words have been used as lyrics 
even some of your favorite 
quotes were written by me 
and are still shared online today
under dozens of pseudonyms
but you'll never know which ones
as it's not about being famous
I can't be the only one
who does these things in secret
maybe more people should
because some of us can't wait to 
tell people who we've helped
how much we've done
or 'I bet you didn't know 
I was responsible for' x y z
but that's not who I am
even when coming clean
meant having less drama 
with regards to my relationships
I still remained silent
took all the criticism 
all the accusations of mistrust 
the attacks on my character
everything thrown my way
because it mattered that much
not all wounds are visible
and no one will ever know
how many scars you have anyway
so it's just better to be yourself

© 2020

Dejando Ir

Sé que es fácil recordar
a la gente que te dejó
de hablar sin motivo
el enojo que sientes
de todas las falsas promesas
no puedes controlarlo
la decepción 
te hizo amargada
porque cuando necesitabas 
la ayuda de un amigo
o el apoyo de tu pareja
viste sus verdaderos rostros
tal vez todavía hay amargura
o quizás solo hay tristeza 
porque no sabes por qué
si buscas el cierre
mírate en el espejo
tienes que dejarlo ir
no busques explicaciones 
porque no es saludable
hicieron lo que era mejor para ellos
y tienes que hacer lo mismo
será difícil confiar en
otra persona por mucho tiempo
pero no pierdas la esperanza
tienes que creer
que vales la pena
y recordar quién eres

© 2020

Imperfections

You may not believe this 
but it took a long time 
for me to be comfortable 
with my imperfections
everyone has them
others rarely ever notice them
but they're always on our minds 
people make assumptions
when they see a picture of me
or multiple pictures of me 
they think it's for attention
and maybe they're right
just not in the way they think 
because all the DMs 
the likes on social media
or even the compliments 
don't get my full attention
how I feel about myself
is what gets my full attention
and I've spent many years 
just trying to improve
so that when I take a picture 
I can see how I've grown 
or if I've regressed somehow
comfortable doesn't mean content
that's what I've learned
especially on days when 
I struggle with everyday life
these imperfections humble me 
and will make me better
you may not believe this 
but I most certainly do

© 2020

L.O.V.E. Notes: Érase Una Vez

Yo te envidiaba 
sé que nadie es perfecto
pero pensé que eras diferente
qué tonto yo fui
debería haber sabido mejor
escondiste bien la verdad
o tal vez
yo vi lo que quería ver
tu fachada
eras una hermosa ilusión
la forma en que me miraste
me sentí especial
intocable
yo te amé
pero no me amaste
y está bien
te deseo toda la felicidad
del mundo
si te veo de nuevo 
no te diré nada
pero nunca te olvidaré
mi hermosa ilusión

<3

© 2020

Social Distancing

Whether it's positive or negative

everyone seems to have an opinion 

on what's going on right now

we've all heard the noise

but while it's in me to be positive

I can't deny being a little discouraged

by all the negativity I'm hearing

so if I tell you that I'm sick

keep that same negative energy 

you had before you found out

because I don't want to be your reason 

for caring about everyone else

and everything that's going on 

don't delete those negative comments

you've made on social media

just because I can hardly breathe

and wake up with a fever every day

you said it wasn't that serious

because we've been through worse

so don't answer my messages now

when you've been ignoring them forever

I know I sound like someone's bitter ex

but I'm just scared more than anything

depression hides it well though

some people have died from this

and even though I've died before

that was before I wanted to live

when I welcomed the negativity

but I'm not that person anymore 

so if I tell you that I'm sick

I'll be keeping the same energy also

by staying far away from you 

© 2020

No Hiding

It's obvious that you're hurting
you may have been able to hide
under the strobe lights 
in a crowd of people at the club
but all the clubs are closed
there's nobody around
and there are no strobe lights
there is only your light
peeking through the darkness
starving for attention
but you continue to ignore it
just like you've ignored the pain
not just the pain you've caused
but the pain you carry
I've been down this road 
that's why it's so obvious to me
you flood your social media
with positive affirmations
and relationship advice
then in the next breath
you're pandering to your followers
making light of your struggles
I did the same thing years ago
until I made a decision to grow
a decision for a healthier life
that's what I'm hoping for you
do you even want that for yourself
because you can't hide anymore
even when the club reopens 
the strobe lights come back on
and the crowds of people return
there's still no hiding from yourself

© 2020

Illness All Around

Make no mistake about it
depression is real
anxiety is real
panic is more real 
than it's ever been before
some of us feel everything
at the same time
whether it's business as usual
or whether the world is in chaos 
like it seems to be right now
I've never been shy about
my struggles with mental health
and I've never apologized for it
so whatever way you feel 
it's okay to feel that way
don't apologize for overreacting
trust yourself to know
when something feels off
if everyone else seems calm
that doesn't mean they were right
because it's not about them
it's about you figuring out
how to take the power away
from what's making you sick
because you need your strength
and I believe in your strength
so if one day you do find yourself 
uncharacteristically calm
maybe there's a possibility
things will get better over time
but stay inside until then
and keep working on yourself

© 2020