L.O.V.E. Notes: Self

And to think
the last thing I wrote 
on a piece of paper 
was a suicide note 
but here I am today 
writing down my goals 
for the upcoming year
I almost didn't make it 
and that's how I know 
that I was supposed to
say what you want
call me crazy
for being in recovery
or selfish for promoting
self-care above all else
I fought to be here
and to think
there was a time 
when I didn't feel like 
I deserved to be here
mental health is real
it shouldn't be a crutch 
but rather a bridge
to better understand
one another
if there's a call for help
don't ignore it
answer the call
listen to the words
even if you're not fit
to help them out
you've helped 
by not rejecting them
and to think
more lives could've ended
before they began
so the time is now
let's make the most of it

<3

© 2019

Ode to Opportunity

Getting better should be the focus

so I'm just hoping this helps somehow

I've been waiting patiently for you

to finally knock on my door
but you're nowhere to be found 

maybe you feel like I'm undeserving
when all I've tried to do is help others 
giving so much of myself 
losing those close to me in the process
for the first time in my life 
I feel like I'm more than deserving
maybe you feel same way
and just wanted me to stop waiting
because it seems like that's all I do
part of me is hiding from what triggers me
hiding certainly hasn't helped my health
and it doesn't get me any closer to you
it keeps me in fear of those triggers
so there's only one thing left to do
to do something you've never done
you must become something greater
it's the only way to prove that I deserve you
because I can't miss out on you again
and I definitely cannot hide forever
especially from those who will never
see this version of me ever again

© 2019

Fuel

Rejection shouldn't surprise me
I was never black enough for the culture

or even Latino enough por la raza

definitely not native enough for the tribe
there was no place for me anywhere
so I moved around a lot
hoping to find acceptance
instead of constantly being bullied
for speaking multiple languages 
and having a slightly different accent 

but I still didn't fit in how I wanted to

and that feeling of being less than
has followed me my entire life
but that's not as bad as 
that feeling of not being trusted  
because if I couldn't be trusted 
how could I ever feel supported 
I have every reason to stay angry
but I'm so tired of being angry
I need every bit of energy just to breathe 
so I'll do what I've always done
use everything I've lived through 
as fuel for an already raging fire
I still have this chip on my shoulder
but I have to keep believing in myself 
otherwise I don't deserve to be here

© 2019

Dañada

No importa como me vean

es obvio que no soy lo mismo
he tratado de mejorarme
pero la ansiedad gana cada vez
controlando todas mis acciones
incluso cuando en mi mente
yo sé que algo no está bien
tal vez me di cuenta de la verdad
soy los bienes dañados
que nadie más quiere
pero no me puedo preocupar por
si tengo sólo unos amigos
o todo el mundo me ignora
porque mi vida sigue viviendo
y nadie más puede vivirla 
eso es mi responsabilidad
necesito recordar quien soy
y enfocarme en ser esa persona 
acepto el hecho de que soy dañada
pero cuando lo piensas
todos somos dañados
y no hay nada de qué avergonzarse
porque dañado no significa roto
aunque aveces me siento roto

© 2019