L.O.V.E. Notes: Self

And to think
the last thing I wrote 
on a piece of paper 
was a suicide note 
but here I am today 
writing down my goals 
for the upcoming year
I almost didn't make it 
and that's how I know 
that I was supposed to
say what you want
call me crazy
for being in recovery
or selfish for promoting
self-care above all else
I fought to be here
and to think
there was a time 
when I didn't feel like 
I deserved to be here
mental health is real
it shouldn't be a crutch 
but rather a bridge
to better understand
one another
if there's a call for help
don't ignore it
answer the call
listen to the words
even if you're not fit
to help them out
you've helped 
by not rejecting them
and to think
more lives could've ended
before they began
so the time is now
let's make the most of it

<3

© 2019

Ode to Opportunity

Getting better should be the focus

so I'm just hoping this helps somehow

I've been waiting patiently for you

to finally knock on my door
but you're nowhere to be found 

maybe you feel like I'm undeserving
when all I've tried to do is help others 
giving so much of myself 
losing those close to me in the process
for the first time in my life 
I feel like I'm more than deserving
maybe you feel same way
and just wanted me to stop waiting
because it seems like that's all I do
part of me is hiding from what triggers me
hiding certainly hasn't helped my health
and it doesn't get me any closer to you
it keeps me in fear of those triggers
so there's only one thing left to do
to do something you've never done
you must become something greater
it's the only way to prove that I deserve you
because I can't miss out on you again
and I definitely cannot hide forever
especially from those who will never
see this version of me ever again

© 2019

Fuel

Rejection shouldn't surprise me
I was never black enough for the culture

or even Latino enough por la raza

definitely not native enough for the tribe
there was no place for me anywhere
so I moved around a lot
hoping to find acceptance
instead of constantly being bullied
for speaking multiple languages 
and having a slightly different accent 

but I still didn't fit in how I wanted to

and that feeling of being less than
has followed me my entire life
but that's not as bad as 
that feeling of not being trusted  
because if I couldn't be trusted 
how could I ever feel supported 
I have every reason to stay angry
but I'm so tired of being angry
I need every bit of energy just to breathe 
so I'll do what I've always done
use everything I've lived through 
as fuel for an already raging fire
I still have this chip on my shoulder
but I have to keep believing in myself 
otherwise I don't deserve to be here

© 2019

Dañada

No importa como me vean

es obvio que no soy lo mismo
he tratado de mejorarme
pero la ansiedad gana cada vez
controlando todas mis acciones
incluso cuando en mi mente
yo sé que algo no está bien
tal vez me di cuenta de la verdad
soy los bienes dañados
que nadie más quiere
pero no me puedo preocupar por
si tengo sólo unos amigos
o todo el mundo me ignora
porque mi vida sigue viviendo
y nadie más puede vivirla 
eso es mi responsabilidad
necesito recordar quien soy
y enfocarme en ser esa persona 
acepto el hecho de que soy dañada
pero cuando lo piensas
todos somos dañados
y no hay nada de qué avergonzarse
porque dañado no significa roto
aunque aveces me siento roto

© 2019

Make The World

How does she make the world better 
by waking up every single day
knowing that she has a chance to be
everything she's ever dreamed of being
not just to prove it to herself
but to show her kids that it's possible
she knows how hard it can be 
and how hard you have to work 
especially when there are those
who don't want her to succeed 
she has every right to show them
the same ugliness they've shown her
but she just smiles instead
killing them with kindness at every turn
she understands that
it's impossible to make the world better
when you let it bring out the worst in you
so she'll always give her best effort
and that's what makes her so special
that's what makes her story
one worth cheering for
making the world better 
starts with just being a better person
than you were the day before
she's what this world needs
even if it doesn't deserve her

© 2019

How Am I

So how am I doing

does it really matter 

whenever someone asks me

I'm unsure of what to say

maybe I'm just tired of knowing

that I should be doing better

but now is not the time for pity

feeling sorry for myself

won't make things better

people are counting on me

even though there were those

who believed I abandoned them
and those who thought I died
maybe I did die for a little bit
I was just trying to save myself

but now everything triggers me

to the point where I'm even

ashamed of my own light
I refuse to look in the mirror

disgusted by my own reflection
but in spite of all of this
people are counting on me
so how am I doing 
does it really matter
it definitely matters 
because I need to be okay
not just for those who are not
but also for myself

© 2019

Notas de Suicidio

Yo recuerdo la primera que escribi
me lloré todas las lágrimas 
pero después de terminar 
tenía tanto miedo de hacerlo
y demasiado avergonzado de hablar 
así que nunca se lo dije a nadie 

todavía tengo esos pensamientos

me consumen todos los días
cuando pienso en hacerme daño
o algo mucho más peor
también pienso en la gente 
que sienta lo mismo 
y cómo le puedo ayudar 
gracias a Dios por la poesía
como una vávula de escape
es una manera de expresar
lo que siento adentro
mientras hablar con los demás
si puedo ayudar al menos a una persona 
elija la vida en lugar de suicidio
me hace sentir vivo 
significa que mis palabras inspiran a
esa persona a seguir luchando 
y cuando hay personas que se sienten
tan perdidas como yo
me niego a dejarlas aquí solas
no más notas que causan dolor
sólo poemas que ayudan a curar

© 2019 

What It Means

I may not agree with your behavior
but I haven't begun to go through
everything you've had to endure
nothing could've prepared you
for what you've witnessed
God only knows what it did to you
and to make matters worse
your parents see you as a lost cause
with no hope of getting better
it's not like all the signs weren't there
they just chose to ignore them
abandoning you at your lowest
rather than accepting the responsibility 
of nurturing their own flesh & blood
maybe we all failed you in a way
neglecting what it means to be a family
what it means to be a human being
the fact that you still love your parents
after they proved themselves unworthy 
shows how much we can learn from you 
I may not agree with your behavior 
but I'm not proud of my own either
no one deserves to be left behind 
especially when there's trouble ahead 

© 2019

Listening

It's never been about religion
but I should've listened to God
and realized what was being said
I remember how it felt before
the universe would speak to me 
while its energy moved through me
that's how I discovered my purpose
I thought I was just being obedient 
but maybe I wasn't appreciative enough
did I take God's words for granted 
or was it the universe's energy I upset
it seems they're both one in the same
that explains the missed opportunities
being at the right place wrong time
and the series of unfortunate events
ultimately ending in utter failure
where did it all go wrong for me
maybe I should keep listening
because the universe still speaks
its energy still flows within me
and God still has a word to share
so maybe I'll just keep listening
while proving to myself
that I'm still worth getting the message

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Saboteur

I've spent more than half 
of my life trying to be liked
and the other half 
trying to be understood 
but that quest of validation
came with a heavy price
I hurt loved ones
friends became strangers 
and I began to fade away 
when you seek validation
it's because you believe that
you're not good enough
so you look to others 
hoping to be accepted 
without ever accepting yourself
no matter how you look at it
or try to rationalize it
that mindset will destroy you 
and then you'll disappear 
robbing yourself of potential
opportunities to be great 
that's not what you want 
because believe me 
I still can't seem to escape
the hell I've put myself through 
and it's hell to keep trying

<3

© 2019

Overnights

I'm not ashamed to admit
that I checked myself in
but I'm a little embarrassed 
to be here once again 
after I promised myself
I'd never come back
maybe I should stop making
promises I fail to keep
so here I am one more time
in worse shape than before
at least the room looks nicer
than I remembered
but I won't stay long
not that you haven't tried 
to get me to stay longer 
after each session we've had
overnights are long enough
I just don't want to make a 
habit out of coming here
every time things go left
part of recovery is 
learning how to recover
and if I can't do it on my own
what's the point in leaving

© 2019

Destruction

Destruction

filled with gray skies 
and the world's pity
rather than its empathy
no wonder they hate us
when we say things like
I can't possibly imagine
that's the problem
even if you've never seen
this level of devastation 
it's important to imagine
what it would be like
to see this up close
because some people 
don't have to imagine
its all they've ever known
take it from me 
when you look around
and see the wreckage
there are two options
but really only one choice
either do nothing
or help lift someone up
it's important to do that
so we can both rebuild 
together

© 2019

Fans

Nothing compares to the feeling

of knowing that people count on you

so much so that they cheer you on

like they're your biggest fans

having that support feels good

especially if you've never had it before

but what if something happens

that compels you to make a decision

for yourself rather than for those 

who've been rooting for you

don't be surprised if you hear
several voices in disapproval

and maybe a few derogatory remarks 
because like I've said many times
choosing to be your own hero 
means being someone else's villain
some people are going to boo 
because they feel like you owe them 
for all the years they've supported you
even at the risk of your own well-being
whether it's a knee-jerk reaction
or it's how they really feel
you have to be your own cheerleader 
no matter what anyone says
because doing what's best for you 
is your best support system

© 2019

Unrest

I struggle with regrets 
whether I should have them
or live my life without them 
if things had worked out 
maybe it wouldn't matter as much
but things didn't work out
the way I'd hoped they would
so it messes with my mind
leaving this feeling of unrest 
I think about the decisions
others like myself have made 
and if they could do it over again
would they change anything
having known the consequences 
that's when I had to ask myself
if it was worth everything
friends stopped talking to me
my relationship didn't work out
and I sacrificed my mental health
causing a mountain of self-doubt
but was it worth all of that
to know that I helped at least
one person save themselves
you better believe it was worth it
so maybe it's not the regrets
that I struggle with so much
perhaps I'm just sad still 
because it was all at my expense

© 2019

Rescue

Superheroes do exist
but I don't need one right now 
I learned a long time ago
that they couldn't save everyone
even with all their powers
I can also remember
trying to be the superhero
only to have it backfire
making me out to be the villain
so I don't need you
coming to my rescue
after all that I've been through
I realized that saving someone 
doesn't really save them at all
you can only use your powers
to help a few people
be their own superhero
so they can save themselves 
that's what I need to do 
if I'm to be a true superhero 
before we can help anyone else
we have to save ourselves 

© 2019

Concave

I look at you differently now
so I rather not look at you at all
because you're not the same person
who always claims to be amazing
you didn't used to be embarrassed
or afraid to reveal your shame
I don't even know who you are anymore
and I don't think you know either
what a disgusting sight to see
so I rather not look at you at all
you talk about how far you've fallen 
but the more I think about it
maybe you just decided to jump 
how could you do this to yourself
and to those who believed in you
some people still believe in you
I'm starting to believe in what I see 
so I rather not look at you at all 
because it's disappointing
how pathetic you've become 
when you showed so much passion
and so much fight in the beginning 
but it kind of makes me wonder 
if you have any of that left in you

© 2019 

Photo

There's so much in a photo
I didn't take the time to notice earlier
when I first started writing
I would always finish a poem
and then the universe would 
find me the perfect photo for that poem 
but now I look at hundreds of photos
sometimes for hours on end
even before I think about writing
because I don't want to take for granted
the energy those photos give off
when I come across a certain one
it's almost like I'm in a trance
take this photo for example 
I've studied the curvature of her face
while purposely getting lost in her eyes
hoping that I see what she sees
maybe even feel what she feels 
anyone can admire her beauty
but allowing her photo the ability
to tell you a story before it's written
should tell you all you need to know
about how special she really is
the poem will eventually write itself
it's at that moment you realize
there's so much in a photo 
but she's more than a photo
she's the essence that inspires you 

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Hermano

I wasn't a great brother
not even a good brother
I was just your brother
we were thirteen years apart
but the distance between us
seemed further than that
I felt too old around you
and I never fit in with the family
so I used that as an excuse
to stay out of the way
rather than using our love
for video games to bond
or our love for basketball
I also allowed depression
to take away years of us
hanging out together
now five years has passed
but I still wonder what
you must've thought of me
maybe you were embarrassed
to have me as an older brother
I was an embarrassment
and I deeply regret that 
so if I ever see you again
I'll make sure to tell you 
how much you've meant to me

<3

© 2019

Hysteria

This wasn't my first breakdown
so I thought that after a few hours
everything would be okay
and I would calm down like always 
it's been a few weeks now
lifeless doesn't begin to describe how I feel
the beginning was the most painful
all of the terrible things I said
out of anger about myself
how I didn't deserve my purpose
and wished I had stayed in darkness
just the thought of saying those things 
made me sick to my stomach
but I can't stop thinking about it
even the fact that I laughed at myself
as I was putting myself down
shows just how dead I feel inside
that's why it's hard being around people 
either I'm annoyed by their very existence 
or I'm seeking attention from them
neither of which promote the healthy 
lifestyle that I'm fighting so hard to live
while I'll admit my behavior scares me
I refuse to let this become who I am

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Bottom

How do you know when you've hit bottom
I often ask myself the same question
because it seems like every time I look up
the light appears further away than before
and even darker than it's ever been
now maybe my mind's messing with me
causing me to question everything
although it wouldn't be the first time
that wouldn't make a lot of sense
since I feel like I've lost my mind yet again 
why would there be any questions
how do you know when you've hit bottom 
is it when you can no longer think rationally
and bad things keep happening to you 
or is it when you don't know who you are
maybe it's all of those things at once 
do any of us really know the answer 
I can't tell you if I've hit bottom
or if I'm still on this downward spiral
because I don't feel much of anything
so I would almost welcome the crash
in hopes that maybe I could feel something

© 2019

History

No one can rewrite history

although I'd really like to 
but I can only learn from it
or risk repeating it over again
hoping things will be different
so many nights I've prayed
to help me let go of the past 
focus only on what I can control
and never give up on myself
but I wake up each day in tears 
from the anxiety of it all 
if no one can rewrite history 
where do I go from here
because the pain is unbearable 
how I wish I could delete
those images from my mind
as if they had never existed
but that's not an option for me
I can't change what's happened
and constantly thinking about it
creates this ripple effect
making it difficult to move forward 
so I'm left with no other choice 
I have to keep writing my story
even if I'm apart of the history
no one wishes to remember

© 2019

Las Voces

No sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que no hay esperanza
o que sólo necesito rendirme
las voces están matándome
pero me necesitan vivo
no pueden sobrevivir solas
son como parásitos 
y me siento como el huespéd 
esto ha sido la historia de mi vida
mi abuelito me dijo algo una vez
te mereces la vida 
que estás dispuesto a aceptar
no sé si la mereces
pero si la aceptas
asi es tu vida 
he aceptado tanta negatividad 
de las voces en mi cabeza
y ha afectado mi mentalidad
cuando las voces dicen que no puedo
mi mente me dice que escuche
no sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que es demasiado tarde
si creo en todo lo que me dicen 
cómo voy a encontrar la paz

© 2019