Y Ahora Qué

La ansiedad
es como un parásito
y yo soy un huésped
no me siento bien
me siento agotado
pero sigo luchando
los pensamientos
son como demonios
tratando de matarme
quitando mi luz
no temo la oscuridad
pero me frustra mucho 
cuando gana la depresión

es como un nube oscura
cubriendo el sol
estes sentimientos
no estoy seguro 
si voy a sobrevivir esta vez
tengo que matar el parásito
vencer a los demonios
liberar la luz
y escapar de la oscuridad
hay sólo un problema 
lo he hecho todo antes 

© 2018

I'm No King

I don't need a crown

the throne

nor the kingdom 

or even the title itself 

all I need is a cause

so I can lead by example

the once respected crown

is merely an accessory 

the throne is for sitting 

but I'd rather stand

a kingdom is a kingdom 

some are with you 

while others are plotting

to take your place

and as far as the title goes 

I can be a king
because it's my birthright 

or I can be so much more 
than I ever dreamt possible 

all I need is a cause 

so I can lead by example 
I'm no king
just a being with purpose 
who fights for everyone 

© 2018

Comfortable Being

I don't feel comfortable being myself
at least not like I was before
but I'm working on it
doesn't that say something about me
I recognize that I have doubts
that didn't exist
when I was sure of myself
and what my purpose in life was
I'm still sure of my purpose
but I don't feel comfortable being myself
that's not the worst part though
having to hear those around me
telling me how they miss who I was
or that they can help me
if I would just let them 
and when I respectively decline
they take it as a personal insult 
rather than supporting my need
to do this on my own
I don't feel comfortable being myself
and I'm pretty sure that effects me
more than it does anybody else
but I can't let words get to me anymore 
I'm already uncomfortable enough 

© 2018

Bombshell

Don't get the wrong idea
she may be beautiful 
dare I say sexy
but that doesn't give you the green light
she doesn't use sex as a weapon
like those who came before her
she doesn't even feel sexy
or beautiful half of the time
sure the compliments are nice to hear
but she knows you have to be more
than just another pretty face
in order to achieve your dreams
you have to be intelligent
ambitious to a fault
willing to take risks
and loving of yourself above all else
if you can look at her for one second
and see someone who works as
hard on their spirit
as they do to achieve their dreams
you would know that 
she's even more beautiful
than your eyes could ever show you
but you only see a hot blonde
so you label her using stereotypes
that misrepresent who she really is 
she's not your classic bombshell
and if all you see is a pretty face
pin this picture up on your wall
because you're still stuck in the past

© 2018

Retrograde Haiku

It's times like these when
you realize how important
self-care really is.

© 2018

Hermana

It's easy to say that I miss you

but if I were to see you today

would I even recognize you

maybe I just miss who you were

because whoever you are now

I've never met that person

please tell me I'm overreacting

tell me your light still shines

brighter than the darkest cloud
and that the old you still lives
I don't know how you feel
but I know what it's like
when being who you are
makes people uncomfortable
especially those you love the most
how can what they love about you
also be what they fear the most
you just want to be yourself again
at least I hope you do 
because I miss that person
I know you miss that person too
she didn't have everything figured out
but she was starting to figure out
how to be everything herself

© 2018

Hero's Welcome

Honorably discharged
and highly decorated 
you returned home
to a hero's welcome
only it doesn't feel like home
you barely recognize it
but no one talks about that
what about how you feel
since returning
all of the trauma
from the things you've seen
the things you've done
or the things that were done to you
but no one talks about that either
what's a hero's welcome
to someone who doesn't 
feel welcomed
someone who doesn't even
feel like they belong
amongst their peers
there's honor in being a hero
but not at the expense
of feeling less like a human being
in your own country

© 2018

L.O.V.E. Notes: Alone Time (Revisited)

Some time has gone by
and you're still here
that was your biggest fear
finding yourself
by yourself
then losing yourself
and fading away
proving the doubters right 
but that didn't happen today
it didn't happen yesterday
or the day before that
things are different now
even walking pass the place
you once sat alone
deep in thought
things are different now
remember what happens next
you're what happened
and it was everything
it was also just the beginning 

<3

© 2018

Espíritus

When I was younger
spirits would speak to me
my mom called them imaginery 
but I wasn't crazy 
I knew what I heard
my grandmother understood
she was the spiritual type
burning sage like it was her job
she believed those spirits
were our loved ones
attempting to communicate 
she said to never forget them
and always respond 
when they make contact 
it didn't make sense at first 
but I obeyed her anyway 
and continued to respond 
every time they've made contact
after all these years 
the spirits still speak to me 
and it would be disrespectful
not to celebrate with them
they've always celebrated with me

© 2018

L.O.V.E. Notes: Soltera

You've seen her before
she shows up everywhere by herself
but stands out in a crowd
she doesn't completely fit in 
like she did in the past 
she's always caught in the middle
between her friends who are married
and those who are single
her married friends press her
to find a husband before she's too old
bragging about how wonderful it is
while her single friends complain
about how they're tired of being single
but choose to never date anyone
or take anyone they date seriously
although it can be annoying at times
she doesn't let it bother her
but they often get offended when she
champions being independent 
while being humble at the same time
it's not like she hates relationships
as she welcomes anything positive
she just stands by her choice
to live life on her own terms

<3

© 2018

Against The Wall

Are you that person
who knows everyone
but doesn't have many friends
I'm that person
when I walk into a room
I instantly see people I know
but a few short moments later
I'm leaning against the wall
observing the scene
watching people interact
exchanging their energies 
showing off their light 
all while forgetting 
how bright my light shines
it happens to so many of us
but I've made a decision 
the decision to be the light
we are more than a body
and even though our light
shines bright wherever we are
we ourselves won't know that
leaning up against the wall
so we have to be the light
that shines for the world to see

© 2018

Social Anxiety Haiku

I feel out of place;
that's why I make people laugh
so it's less awkward.

© 2018

Strongest

You're one of the strongest 

people I've ever known

and because no one has 

ever said that about me

I didn't understand at first

what it could mean to hear that

but I think I get it now

you've grown tired of having

to always be the strongest 

especially when you don't always feel

as strong as everyone says you are 

but that's a side of you

very few people get to see
and they don't deserve to see it 

because I'm sure some of them are 

waiting to see you break down

or know that you're struggling

just so they can feel superior
by telling you how weak you are

while others like myself

know that everyone struggles

including one of the strongest 
people I've ever known 

so that doesn't make you weak
it makes for a better comeback story
one where you can just be

© 2018 

L.O.V.E. Notes: Olvidado

El resto del mundo puede olvidar

pero nada puede hacerme olvidar

todo lo que ha pasado

porque yo sé cómo se siente

vivir en las sombras 

mirando sobre las nubes 

esperando una luz del cielo 

abandonado 

lleno de promesas falsas 

con sólo un rayito de esperanza

es un sentimiento típico

de alguien que se sienta olvidado

y todavía a nadie que le importa

el resto del mundo escogió olvidar

pero yo siempre recordaré

todo lo que pasó

respeto tu espiritú de lucha 

y admiro ese rayito de esperanza

porque cuando has sido olvidado

sabes que estás por tu cuenta

<3

© 2018

Allure

How did this happen 

when did we get so caught up 

in being someone's number one

that we forget to put ourselves first
we're so enamored with the allure

of being by someone's side

that we fail to take advantage 

of the time we have to ourselves 

not saying there's anything wrong 

with being by someone's side 
and having that support
from someone who loves you
but there's still nobody else
that can live your life for you
so if you ever find yourself alone
ask yourself this question
what am I doing with my time 
because I can't grow as a person
if I'm always complaining about
not being by someone's side
or not being their number one
just be your own number one
because when you put yourself first 
no one else matters

© 2018

Underappreciated

Why do we wait

until someone dies

to admire their life

it's one of many things

we take for granted

and when someone dies

they receive roses

society's number one 
go-to gift for all things 

but the truth is

roses are a lot like life

neither are as appreciated

as they should be 

until death comes along

stopping to smell a rose

is as uncommon as

a conversation 

between two people

face to face 

so we cannot wait

until someone dies 

to appreciate their life

and give them roses
that they'll never see

© 2018

L.O.V.E. Notes: Breaking Point

You are not bound

by the limitations of others

nor are you bound

by their expectations

so never mind that box

they try to put you in

or that label 

they try to put on you

in order to justify 

why they feel 

you are they way you are

or how they feel

you are not deserving 

when you clearly are

their perception 

can never be your reality

nor can their lack of drive

determine your destination

their failures are not yours

neither are those chains

<3

© 2018

Ella

Ella dice
no quiere el amor
porque el amor existe
sólo en sus sueños
nunca en la vida real
es como una fantasía
donde todo es perfecto
o un truco de magia 
donde todo parece bello 
a primera vista
pero ella no cree en magia
ni en la fantasía
el amor es una ilusión
si elegimos creerlo
es nuestra culpa
tanta angustia
y no vale la pena 
nadie vale la pena
según ella
quizás tenga razón
con su corazón
ya sintiéndose frío
de la última vez
ella no quiere el amor

© 2018

On Second Thought

What if I relapse right now 

and refill the prescription 

the doctor prescribed me

just to numb the feelings

from reemerging suicidal thoughts

that cause me to have panic attacks 

associated with depression

would you judge me like the rest

criticize me for being weak
or would you have my back 
as I battle my demons once again

nobody's perfect

we're only human

that's what everyone keeps saying

all I keep hearing are opinions 

from imperfect people 

that claim will support you 

but downplay their imperfections 

while condemning you

for how imperfect you really are

so that makes me wonder

how people would react if...

maybe I shouldn't focus on that

because that's usually how it starts

© 2018

Clairvoyance

Do you hate me
is there something about me
that says I can't be trusted
maybe I remind you
of someone from your past
someone you wish to forget
maybe it was my energy
how did I come across to you
when we first met
did I seem anxious
unpleasant to be around
or perhaps even a bit lost
it must have been something
how about now
do you see me smile at you
whenever I pass by 
can you feel my energy
it's no longer toxic
can you feel anything at all
maybe it's too late
and your opinion of me
will remain the same
but I do thank you for knowing
otherwise I never would have

© 2018

Island

I remember when it happened
when I opened my eyes
the world was in chaos then
but nothing like it is now
my mindset didn't just change 
it had to evolve 
and when it did 
everything that I was 
no longer existed 
I found myself on an island 
deserted 
treated like a child
who didn't know any better
not being taken seriously
why are you so positive 
look at the world around you 
don't you see what's going on 
of course I see what's going on
I saw that then 
and I still see it now
even with my eyes closed
I just feel more balanced
than I was before
but maybe that's just me

© 2018

Mind's Eye

And therein lies the problem
we cannot let perception
our perception 
supersede reality
what we see
isn't always what's there
just because we have eyes
doesn't mean we have vision
even if we're so sure
what we're seeing is real 
our eyes have lied before
maybe we're seeing 
what we really want to see
and therein lies the problem
our thoughts can betray us as well
by having their own agenda
creating this alternate reality
where everyone gets hurt
and I mean everyone
we cannot let perception 
our perception
have an agenda 
it must instead have vision
and therein lies the problem

© 2018

Move On

That's a very good question 

why do we compete with each other

haven't we been through enough

to just want the best for ourselves

without trying to outdo one another

I know we probably blame that person

for all the pain we've endured

and as a result of that pain

we feel like they don't deserve to win

they don't get to be successful

or have any peace at all

but what about our peace

hurt people hurt people too

so if we don't find a way to stop hurting 

we'll find a way to hurt someone else

everything that happened

I know it wasn't fair 

and things may never be the same

but we must find a way to move on

or we'll spend the rest of our lives
being angry with each other

trying to compete with one another

while destroying ourselves

it'll be the last thing we do together

© 2018

Overqualified Haiku

Sitting there at work
knowing you're destined for more;
the clock is ticking.

© 2018

L.O.V.E. Notes: Temptation

It has always been beautiful
but only for a moment
giving in would feel incredible
unlike anything I've ever felt
but only for a moment
this is bigger than a moment
bigger than any desires
or fantasies I've had in the past 
this is my life
I know we're not supposed to
take ourselves too seriously
but my progression is serious
and so is my purpose
I won't let anything threatening that 
not even for a moment 
for what I hope to accomplish
I stand to lose everything
that includes everything I stand for 
all the respect others have for me 
who would I be then
so I can't give in no matter what 
not even for a moment 

<3

© 2018 

Antidote

You don't belong there
not in that type of environment
it's a toxic environment
and the more you breathe in
the more infected you become
even your body aches
weakened by the damage done
from the stress of it all
no wonder you're always tired
but at least you're still beautiful
that is until your beauty begins to fade
and your eyes can no longer hide 
the fact that you're dying inside
how did you ever expect to thrive
when you're barely surviving now
it's because of your faith
that you've lasted this long
but now is the time 
to start believing in yourself
and be the antidote your body needs
you don't belong there
not in that type of environment
so give yourself a chance
to live a life free from toxicity 

© 2018

Figured Out

You're still trying to figure me out
I haven't even figured it all out yet
but the question is still being asked
why do I do what I do 
is this really my purpose in life
or is it just another cry for help
from that lonely depressed kid
who had very few friends growing up 
flirt
guardian angel
hero
names I'm very familiar with 
but in my mind I hear
misunderstood
villain
martyr
I can't really control what's been said
because as people's energy changes
their perception of me changes also
maybe this has happened for you
so why do I do what I do
because it's who I am
and I chose to be who I am
that's all I've figured out so far

© 2018