Fans

Nothing compares to the feeling

of knowing that people count on you

so much so that they cheer you on

like they're your biggest fans

having that support feels good

especially if you've never had it before

but what if something happens

that compels you to make a decision

for yourself rather than for those 

who've been rooting for you

don't be surprised if you hear
several voices in disapproval

and maybe a few derogatory remarks 
because like I've said many times
choosing to be your own hero 
means being someone else's villain
some people are going to boo 
because they feel like you owe them 
for all the years they've supported you
even at the risk of your own well-being
whether it's a knee-jerk reaction
or it's how they really feel
you have to be your own cheerleader 
no matter what anyone says
because doing what's best for you 
is your best support system

© 2019

Unrest

I struggle with regrets 
whether I should have them
or live my life without them 
if things had worked out 
maybe it wouldn't matter as much
but things didn't work out
the way I'd hoped they would
so it messes with my mind
leaving this feeling of unrest 
I think about the decisions
others like myself have made 
and if they could do it over again
would they change anything
having known the consequences 
that's when I had to ask myself
if it was worth everything
friends stopped talking to me
my relationship didn't work out
and I sacrificed my mental health
causing a mountain of self-doubt
but was it worth all of that
to know that I helped at least
one person save themselves
you better believe it was worth it
so maybe it's not the regrets
that I struggle with so much
perhaps I'm just sad still 
because it was all at my expense

© 2019

Rescue

Superheroes do exist
but I don't need one right now 
I learned a long time ago
that they couldn't save everyone
even with all their powers
I can also remember
trying to be the superhero
only to have it backfire
making me out to be the villain
so I don't need you
coming to my rescue
after all that I've been through
I realized that saving someone 
doesn't really save them at all
you can only use your powers
to help a few people
be their own superhero
so they can save themselves 
that's what I need to do 
if I'm to be a true superhero 
before we can help anyone else
we have to save ourselves 

© 2019

Concave

I look at you differently now
so I rather not look at you at all
because you're not the same person
who always claims to be amazing
you didn't used to be embarrassed
or afraid to reveal your shame
I don't even know who you are anymore
and I don't think you know either
what a disgusting sight to see
so I rather not look at you at all
you talk about how far you've fallen 
but the more I think about it
maybe you just decided to jump 
how could you do this to yourself
and to those who believed in you
some people still believe in you
I'm starting to believe in what I see 
so I rather not look at you at all 
because it's disappointing
how pathetic you've become 
when you showed so much passion
and so much fight in the beginning 
but it kind of makes me wonder 
if you have any of that left in you

© 2019 

Photo

There's so much in a photo
I didn't take the time to notice earlier
when I first started writing
I would always finish a poem
and then the universe would 
find me the perfect photo for that poem 
but now I look at hundreds of photos
sometimes for hours on end
even before I think about writing
because I don't want to take for granted
the energy those photos give off
when I come across a certain one
it's almost like I'm in a trance
take this photo for example 
I've studied the curvature of her face
while purposely getting lost in her eyes
hoping that I see what she sees
maybe even feel what she feels 
anyone can admire her beauty
but allowing her photo the ability
to tell you a story before it's written
should tell you all you need to know
about how special she really is
the poem will eventually write itself
it's at that moment you realize
there's so much in a photo 
but she's more than a photo
she's the essence that inspires you 

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Hermano

I wasn't a great brother
not even a good brother
I was just your brother
we were thirteen years apart
but the distance between us
seemed further than that
I felt too old around you
and I never fit in with the family
so I used that as an excuse
to stay out of the way
rather than using our love
for video games to bond
or our love for basketball
I also allowed depression
to take away years of us
hanging out together
now five years has passed
but I still wonder what
you must've thought of me
maybe you were embarrassed
to have me as an older brother
I was an embarrassment
and I deeply regret that 
so if I ever see you again
I'll make sure to tell you 
how much you've meant to me

<3

© 2019

Hysteria

This wasn't my first breakdown
so I thought that after a few hours
everything would be okay
and I would calm down like always 
it's been a few weeks now
lifeless doesn't begin to describe how I feel
the beginning was the most painful
all of the terrible things I said
out of anger about myself
how I didn't deserve my purpose
and wished I had stayed in darkness
just the thought of saying those things 
made me sick to my stomach
but I can't stop thinking about it
even the fact that I laughed at myself
as I was putting myself down
shows just how dead I feel inside
that's why it's hard being around people 
either I'm annoyed by their very existence 
or I'm seeking attention from them
neither of which promote the healthy 
lifestyle that I'm fighting so hard to live
while I'll admit my behavior scares me
I refuse to let this become who I am

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Bottom

How do you know when you've hit bottom
I often ask myself the same question
because it seems like every time I look up
the light appears further away than before
and even darker than it's ever been
now maybe my mind's messing with me
causing me to question everything
although it wouldn't be the first time
that wouldn't make a lot of sense
since I feel like I've lost my mind yet again 
why would there be any questions
how do you know when you've hit bottom 
is it when you can no longer think rationally
and bad things keep happening to you 
or is it when you don't know who you are
maybe it's all of those things at once 
do any of us really know the answer 
I can't tell you if I've hit bottom
or if I'm still on this downward spiral
because I don't feel much of anything
so I would almost welcome the crash
in hopes that maybe I could feel something

© 2019

History

No one can rewrite history

although I'd really like to 
but I can only learn from it
or risk repeating it over again
hoping things will be different
so many nights I've prayed
to help me let go of the past 
focus only on what I can control
and never give up on myself
but I wake up each day in tears 
from the anxiety of it all 
if no one can rewrite history 
where do I go from here
because the pain is unbearable 
how I wish I could delete
those images from my mind
as if they had never existed
but that's not an option for me
I can't change what's happened
and constantly thinking about it
creates this ripple effect
making it difficult to move forward 
so I'm left with no other choice 
I have to keep writing my story
even if I'm apart of the history
no one wishes to remember

© 2019

Las Voces

No sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que no hay esperanza
o que sólo necesito rendirme
las voces están matándome
pero me necesitan vivo
no pueden sobrevivir solas
son como parásitos 
y me siento como el huespéd 
esto ha sido la historia de mi vida
mi abuelito me dijo algo una vez
te mereces la vida 
que estás dispuesto a aceptar
no sé si la mereces
pero si la aceptas
asi es tu vida 
he aceptado tanta negatividad 
de las voces en mi cabeza
y ha afectado mi mentalidad
cuando las voces dicen que no puedo
mi mente me dice que escuche
no sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que es demasiado tarde
si creo en todo lo que me dicen 
cómo voy a encontrar la paz

© 2019