Hysteria

This wasn't my first breakdown
so I thought that after a few hours
everything would be okay
and I would calm down like always 
it's been a few weeks now
lifeless doesn't begin to describe how I feel
the beginning was the most painful
all of the terrible things I said
out of anger about myself
how I didn't deserve my purpose
and wished I had stayed in darkness
just the thought of saying those things 
made me sick to my stomach
but I can't stop thinking about it
even the fact that I laughed at myself
as I was putting myself down
shows just how dead I feel inside
that's why it's hard being around people 
either I'm annoyed by their very existence 
or I'm seeking attention from them
neither of which promote the healthy 
lifestyle that I'm fighting so hard to live
while I'll admit my behavior scares me
I refuse to let this become who I am

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