I look at you differently now
so I rather not look at you at all
because you're not the same person
who always claims to be amazing
you didn't used to be embarrassed
or afraid to reveal your shame
I don't even know who you are anymore
and I don't think you know either
what a disgusting sight to see
so I rather not look at you at all
you talk about how far you've fallen
but the more I think about it
maybe you just decided to jump
how could you do this to yourself
and to those who believed in you
some people still believe in you
I'm starting to believe in what I see
so I rather not look at you at all
because it's disappointing
how pathetic you've become
when you showed so much passion
and so much fight in the beginning
but it kind of makes me wonder
if you have any of that left in you
© 2019
There's so much in a photo
I didn't take the time to notice earlier
when I first started writing
I would always finish a poem
and then the universe would
find me the perfect photo for that poem
but now I look at hundreds of photos
sometimes for hours on end
even before I think about writing
because I don't want to take for granted
the energy those photos give off
when I come across a certain one
it's almost like I'm in a trance
take this photo for example
I've studied the curvature of her face
while purposely getting lost in her eyes
hoping that I see what she sees
maybe even feel what she feels
anyone can admire her beauty
but allowing her photo the ability
to tell you a story before it's written
should tell you all you need to know
about how special she really is
the poem will eventually write itself
it's at that moment you realize
there's so much in a photo
but she's more than a photo
she's the essence that inspires you
© 2019
I wasn't a great brother
not even a good brother
I was just your brother
we were thirteen years apart
but the distance between us
seemed further than that
I felt too old around you
and I never fit in with the family
so I used that as an excuse
to stay out of the way
rather than using our love
for video games to bond
or our love for basketball
I also allowed depression
to take away years of us
hanging out together
now five years has passed
but I still wonder what
you must've thought of me
maybe you were embarrassed
to have me as an older brother
I was an embarrassment
and I deeply regret that
so if I ever see you again
I'll make sure to tell you
how much you've meant to me
<3
© 2019
This wasn't my first breakdown
so I thought that after a few hours
everything would be okay
and I would calm down like always
it's been a few weeks now
lifeless doesn't begin to describe how I feel
the beginning was the most painful
all of the terrible things I said
out of anger about myself
how I didn't deserve my purpose
and wished I had stayed in darkness
just the thought of saying those things
made me sick to my stomach
but I can't stop thinking about it
even the fact that I laughed at myself
as I was putting myself down
shows just how dead I feel inside
that's why it's hard being around people
either I'm annoyed by their very existence
or I'm seeking attention from them
neither of which promote the healthy
lifestyle that I'm fighting so hard to live
while I'll admit my behavior scares me
I refuse to let this become who I am
© 2019
How do you know when you've hit bottom
I often ask myself the same question
because it seems like every time I look up
the light appears further away than before
and even darker than it's ever been
now maybe my mind's messing with me
causing me to question everything
although it wouldn't be the first time
that wouldn't make a lot of sense
since I feel like I've lost my mind yet again
why would there be any questions
how do you know when you've hit bottom
is it when you can no longer think rationally
and bad things keep happening to you
or is it when you don't know who you are
maybe it's all of those things at once
do any of us really know the answer
I can't tell you if I've hit bottom
or if I'm still on this downward spiral
because I don't feel much of anything
so I would almost welcome the crash
in hopes that maybe I could feel something
© 2019
No one can rewrite history
although I'd really like to
but I can only learn from it
or risk repeating it over again
hoping things will be different
so many nights I've prayed
to help me let go of the past
focus only on what I can control
and never give up on myself
but I wake up each day in tears
from the anxiety of it all
if no one can rewrite history
where do I go from here
because the pain is unbearable
how I wish I could delete
those images from my mind
as if they had never existed
but that's not an option for me
I can't change what's happened
and constantly thinking about it
creates this ripple effect
making it difficult to move forward
so I'm left with no other choice
I have to keep writing my story
even if I'm apart of the history
no one wishes to remember
© 2019
No sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que no hay esperanza
o que sólo necesito rendirme
las voces están matándome
pero me necesitan vivo
no pueden sobrevivir solas
son como parásitos
y me siento como el huespéd
esto ha sido la historia de mi vida
mi abuelito me dijo algo una vez
te mereces la vida
que estás dispuesto a aceptar
no sé si la mereces
pero si la aceptas
asi es tu vida
he aceptado tanta negatividad
de las voces en mi cabeza
y ha afectado mi mentalidad
cuando las voces dicen que no puedo
mi mente me dice que escuche
no sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que es demasiado tarde
si creo en todo lo que me dicen
cómo voy a encontrar la paz
© 2019
