L.O.V.E. Notes: Bottom

How do you know when you've hit bottom
I often ask myself the same question
because it seems like every time I look up
the light appears further away than before
and even darker than it's ever been
now maybe my mind's messing with me
causing me to question everything
although it wouldn't be the first time
that wouldn't make a lot of sense
since I feel like I've lost my mind yet again 
why would there be any questions
how do you know when you've hit bottom 
is it when you can no longer think rationally
and bad things keep happening to you 
or is it when you don't know who you are
maybe it's all of those things at once 
do any of us really know the answer 
I can't tell you if I've hit bottom
or if I'm still on this downward spiral
because I don't feel much of anything
so I would almost welcome the crash
in hopes that maybe I could feel something

© 2019

History

No one can rewrite history

although I'd really like to 
but I can only learn from it
or risk repeating it over again
hoping things will be different
so many nights I've prayed
to help me let go of the past 
focus only on what I can control
and never give up on myself
but I wake up each day in tears 
from the anxiety of it all 
if no one can rewrite history 
where do I go from here
because the pain is unbearable 
how I wish I could delete
those images from my mind
as if they had never existed
but that's not an option for me
I can't change what's happened
and constantly thinking about it
creates this ripple effect
making it difficult to move forward 
so I'm left with no other choice 
I have to keep writing my story
even if I'm apart of the history
no one wishes to remember

© 2019

Las Voces

No sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que no hay esperanza
o que sólo necesito rendirme
las voces están matándome
pero me necesitan vivo
no pueden sobrevivir solas
son como parásitos 
y me siento como el huespéd 
esto ha sido la historia de mi vida
mi abuelito me dijo algo una vez
te mereces la vida 
que estás dispuesto a aceptar
no sé si la mereces
pero si la aceptas
asi es tu vida 
he aceptado tanta negatividad 
de las voces en mi cabeza
y ha afectado mi mentalidad
cuando las voces dicen que no puedo
mi mente me dice que escuche
no sé por qué escucho a las voces
diciéndome que es demasiado tarde
si creo en todo lo que me dicen 
cómo voy a encontrar la paz

© 2019

Grip

The mindset never changes 
but I have my days
where I'm not exactly sure
how long I can hold on
I've tried to keep myself busy 
and remain focused on goals 
that I've set for myself 
but I have my days 
I used to think breaking down 
was a sign of weakness 
and true strength came from 
the ability to keep it together 
no matter what came my way 
I've been okay for the most part 
but I have my days 
why am I expected to smile 
knowing how hard it is 
not to tear away at my skin
or how much I struggle 
with just looking in the mirror 
that's why I keep a tight grip
I can't lose what's left of me
maybe it's only a matter of time 
I'll never give up though 
but I have my days
where I feel stripped of all hope

© 2019

Traveler

I don't owe you an explanation

because I know for a fact 

you'll see me walking

take a look at how I'm dressed 

and assume the worst

most of you already have

for those of you who haven't

we're cut from the same cloth

you've been on that path before 

criticized every step of the way 

for looking how you look

or for just being who you are 

so why would I tell them anything 

when they treat me the same way 

don't worry about how I look 

and don't ask me where I'm going 

the reward is in the journey 

not in the destination 
it's the person I'll become 
that matters most to me
so I don't owe you an explanation 
but even if part of my story 
will be written with the heels 
from my stilettos

your eyes will still be on me
watching my every move

© 2019

L.O.V.E. Notes: Villain II

You'll always be someone's villain 
I wrote that in a poem a year ago
and it still rings true to this day
I just didn't know how true it was
but it's easy to forget that while
you're writing your own story 
someone else has their own version
and with their perception of you
that narrative becomes their reality
but I'm not just someone's villain
I'm also someone's hero
even though I never asked to be
I said there were no more heroes 
but I guess I was wrong about that
I didn't want to be either one
so I shied away from both
that's why I pray sometimes
in hopes that who I am is enough
maybe I should've embraced it
because you can't control 
what people choose to believe
their minds are made up already
don't worry about if you're the villain 
and don't worry about being a hero
just embrace being who you are
that's the only narrative that matters

<3

© 2019

Dust

I don't want the dust to settle
because when it does
I know I'll be the only one here
much like I am right now
I'd much rather remain hidden
from the rest of the world
that wasn't always the case
as I wanted nothing more 
than for someone to see me
for the person I truly am
but things are different now
when the dust settles 
I don't know the condition I'll be in
with everything I've been through
everything I've done to survive
part of me still cares 
how I look to a world 
that rejected me
while continuing to ignore others
so let the wind keep blowing
I don't mind it so much anymore 
camouflage my shame
protect me from anyone who 
wishes to do me harm
or me from harming anyone else
I don't want the dust to settle
the dust is my disguise 
at least until the war is over 

© 2019