Him

He wanted to get rid of me

but his mother didn't like that

my second grandmother 

what a woman she was

she knew I would be different

than what became of him

watching his own father cheat on her

and being the head of a church 

didn't help matters any I'm sure

but he still could've been better

than what he was

I just wish I never met him

for the days I cried waiting for him

maybe that was foolish of me

not only did I learn how bad

of a father he truly was 

but also how he treated the

women in his life physically 

as well as mentally 

the life of a narcissist 

seeing that was enough to know 

I didn't want to be like him

his absence did leave a void 

but the women who raised me 

filled that void by teaching me 

how to treat others

I've done everything I can

to not be like him

we share more than a name

but we're built differently

the kid in me still cries at times

he just doesn't cry for him 

© 2020

Being Honest

It's unavoidable

at some point in time

you have to stop running

and start being honest

that mirror will be there

waiting for you 

as you can see 

I was too embarrassed

and too disappointed 

in myself to even look

but I did look eventually

stop feeling sorry for yourself

and start being honest

is what I kept thinking

so I was honest with myself

fourteen anxiety attacks a week

isn't how I want to be defined

or how I want to live my life

I don't want to think

of myself as a failure anymore

I just want to feel worthy

and the hardest truth of all

I'm not as amazing a person

as I was in the past 

once I heard myself say that

the look on my face

spoke volumes 

what a sad truth

but the truth nonetheless

one that I needed to hear

and in order to keep growing

it's unavoidable 

© 2020

L.O.V.E. Notes: 31

Maybe she thinks

I don't love her anymore

or that I don't care

that's not true at all 

even though we don't

have the same relationship

we once had 

she's still my sister 

and I love her very much

I think about everything 

that's happened 

so many emotions 

but what matters most

is that she is here today

still fighting 

figuring out her life

and what's best for her kids

those ladybugs

who I miss very much

according to her 

she kept me at a distance

in order to stay in her life

that hurt me at the time 

but I understand now

I'm still here 

maybe she thinks I'm gone 

I'm where she left me

but I'm cheering her on

screaming happy birthday

to my beautiful sister 

superwoman 

love Tico

<3

© 2020 

 

L.O.V.E. Notes: Today

Look at this picture

I could've chosen 

any picture 

but this one 

much like today 

is special 

she's special 

that's her natural glow

by the way

it's not the Sun shining 

or any photo filters

that's all her

and if it weren't for today

she never would've 

discovered it

and we never would've

gotten the chance

to experience it

color can sometimes be

distracting

even blinding

but this is different

the energy is different

it deserves to be 

appreciated

celebrated 

respected

and loved

every single day 

but this day

much like this picture 

is special

for if it weren't for today

we would never know

just how amazing 

her amazing looks

or how it feels

to be in her light

<3

© 2020

Denominator

Here we go again

another failure 

I'm so tired of fighting 

look where it's gotten me

on the losing end

hurting the ones I love

and hurting myself

so many nights I cried

praying to be normal 

whatever normal is

I had a plan 

but I always have a plan

and I never tell anyone

until I'm ready to execute it

that's always my mistake

I either say the right things

at the wrong times

or I say nothing at all

now I have so much to say

the truth is painful

maybe it's what I deserve

history tells us 

those who don't learn 

are doomed to repeat it

when you learn nothing

you lose everything

so when will I learn

because it's always me

never anyone else

I'm so tired of fighting 

beating myself up so badly

that I can barely stand

© 2020

L.O.V.E. Notes: Memory

It's been months
since I've seen her
and it hurts 
but what hurts more
is knowing that
she won't remember
who I am to her
for twenty-five years 
she raised me
took me everywhere
and showed me
what it meant to love
but it hurts to know
I'm just a memory
she no longer has
being forgotten hurts
especially when 
you're unable to forget
that's been my entire life
with the ones I love
and it makes me sad
but I'm grateful
for the memories
grateful for the time
she gave me
it was her choice
but she made it 
her responsibility
when she didn't have to
now it's my responsibility 
to hold on to the 
memories for us both

<3

© 2020

Mask of the Quiet One

I've been silent

maybe for too long
even the voices in my head 
haven't had much to say
and that's saying something
but I've been listening 
oh have I been listening 

letting the rage build 
deep inside my soul
as I internalize everything
while crying myself to sleep 
just thinking about 
how everything came to be
everyone has an opinion 
on what's going on
so everybody's talking
and very few are listening
but I've been listening
oh have I been listening
trying to make sense 
out of nonsense
is senseless in and of itself
this is not the time for silence 
nor is it time for sound 
without focus
so what does that mean
tune out the noise
control your own narrative
and let yourself be heard 
I've been silent
more so than ever before
but that ends today

© 2020